November 8, 2013
Monica:
A little background before I begin. My goal in coming to Windward as an intern was and still is to learn as much as possible. Originally I expected my learning to focus on animal husbandry, construction skills, plant and garden maintenance, energy efficiency projects, etc. After a month of living here though, the importance of interpersonal skills and healthy relationships took over my learning and understanding of sustainability. What follows is a small piece of the learning experience from my decision to initiate more intimate relationships with members of the community.
Until recently, I always thought boys had it easier than girls, especially growing up. They never had to worry about being on their period; they could pee whenever and wherever they pleased (like off the edge of a mountain); to the best of my knowledge they did not have cattiness or gossip ruling their life; they were encouraged to play in the dirt and be rough and tumble. In short, I constantly yearned to be a boy.
However, one aspect I took for granted is the male-female interaction in relationships. I have no clue how or when I developed the skills (especially since I avoided the other gender at all costs in middle school and a good portion of high school) of acting coy and playing hard to get. By the end of college I was a master at getting boys to hold my hand, to kiss me, to ask me out on a date, to make the first move, without ever openly saying my goal or initiating the steps. I learned to play games of how to position my body, how to tilt my head and 'speak with my eyes,' how to manipulate the other person. I thought I was smooth.
The downside to living that way, is that you never truly get to express your hopes and desires. At least for me, I was always at the will of the other person. I learned to expect and enjoy fulfilling their wishes and impulses- never honestly going after or acknowledging what I want out of the interaction or relationship.
Here at Windward, however, that method of interaction is flipped on its head. As an intern, I have to initiate in any and every relationship. At first, I thought, 'No problem. You got this. You're smooth. You're a pro after all of your experience in college.' I hope you're laughing, because I definitely am right now. After a month and a half of really only connecting with others through hugs, I realized something was off in my approach. I never developed what has been called my 'inner seventh grade boy.'
My first earnest yearning to hold someone else's hand took me over half an hour to act on, and even then I don't think I went about it as confidently as I expected. Thoughts kept running through my head: 'Do I ask first? Do I just grab his hand? What if he doesn't want to hold my hand? Are my palms going to be too sweaty? Is it possible to hold a had wrong? Why haven't you made a move yet? Is he thinking about holding my hand as much as I'm thinking about holding his?'
The second opportunity I had to hold someone's hand took just as long. At one point I almost burst out laughing because consciously or not on the other person's part, I witnessed a classic move I usually pull- place your hand in proximity to other person's- showing you're willing and giving the opportunity for it to be held. Even with that hint I still took 5 more minutes to muster up the courage to ask 'Can I hold your hand?'
Unfortunately, it doesn't end there. Initiating a kiss is another terrifying level to overcome, when your whole life has been on the receiving end. The emotions I felt after answering a call from the boy I liked, or the jitteriness of anticipation for an upcoming date he planned takes on a different tone when you're in charge of setting up and sparking those emotions.
I need to give the boys in my life long overdue credit. I can only imagine how terrifying and nerve wracking it must have been learning how to be the initiator in relationships with girls who don't vocalize what they want. This is a lesson, as I've been told, in becoming a woman. A lesson that I am glad is better late than never. A lesson I hope every girl learns.