December 26, 2012
Lindsay:
One of the most challenging and one of the most rewarding gifts we can offer to those we love is to allow each other to change- to allow each other the space to grow and evolve and move through the world differently than before. The challenge and the rewards are felt by all involved. I am convinced of this. Yet it is so very hard to do well.
Living in community, living closely with others and being held accountable for our words and actions, stimulates high rates of personal growth and increased awareness in those of us that are even moderately paying attention and responding to the world around us.
These rates of change are further enhanced when you introduce the practice of caring for living systems (animals, gardens etc) and living closely with the land and the raw elements of nature. When our mistakes, lack of clarity, imprecise words or selfishness are reflected back to us through the tearful eyes of a human we love, a dead plant, a diseased animal, an unfinished project or a car that simply won't start, it is very difficult to maintain our illusions that we have everything figured out.
This process of coming to terms with our illusions and then doing the work to create a different modus operandi for ourselves- whether that be how we respond to others when we are angry or frustrated or how we approach our work or self-care- is, in and of itself, not trivial and can take a good length of time to complete.
But, it's after this work is done that the blow can come that can strike us to our core: when those closest to us do not recognize we have changed, treat us as if we haven't or do not accept, at some level, the new person that is now in their presence. When this happens it can be incredibly demoralizing.
Part of the challenge is that often in healthy community this lack of recognition or acceptance of new behaviors, attitudes or skill-sets happens sub-consciously. We are patterned creatures and we tend to interact not with the person that is actually in front of us but the amalgamation of the person that we have known over the past several weeks, months or years- all the strengths, all the weaknesses, the good memories, the bad memories, the old behavior patterns, the old joys and the old wounds. It can take a notable amount of time for changes for the better to be recognized, acknowledged and woven into our understanding of the people with whom we live.
This time delay can be especially problematic because we are also creatures that respond well to postive reinforcement. We like it when people appreciate us for what we do and who we are and it can be quite aggravating to be held accountable in real time for actions or behaviors that we feel are no longer part of our repetoire.
At the same time, however, it is only reasonable that it take time to earn the trust of others that a poor behavior or attitude is indeed behind us.
Invariably, I have been on both sides of this equation- the one evolving and the one observing as those around me evolve. My respect for this process continues to grow for it is one of the processes that underscores why it is that people seek community and also why it is that people eventually leave community.
We humans have a deep need to belong, to be seen, to be held as the whole people that we are. The process of growing and evolving in the presence of others is a very raw and naked act. We strip ourselves of all masks and illusions, taking on something new, leaving behind something that no longer serves us well and growing into a new skin. Anyone who has seen the stages of a morphing butterfly knows this process of change is not necessarily pretty. But it is when we are at our most vulnerable that it is ever more important that we are seen and held and know that we belong. People come to community in search of this feeling.
Yet, being in this vulnerable place is not easy. It can be tiring to constantly see our flaws and insufficincies reflected back to us by those we live with and the projects to which we give our time. We may find ourselves wondering: Is this all worth it? And if we do the mental math and come up with the answer that it's just too much, just too hard, to be held accountable for all the we do and seen for all of who we are, then a life lived in greater isolation from people and from the natural world grows ever more appealing.
So, it seems, that the question we should really be asking ourselves is not Is this all worth it? but rather What are we willing to fight for?